dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
