my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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