i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize