Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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