Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
