Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
