The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
