don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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