You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize