you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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