Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
