we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
