3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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