Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
