I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
