my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
