Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
