She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
