Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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