So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
