its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
