Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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