U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
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