were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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