I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
