if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
