i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
