Got a toothbrush?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
