i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
