genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize