can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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