I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
At least life still wants to fuck me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
