I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
