i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
