totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
