I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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