whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
