just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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