She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
