I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
