Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize