A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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