Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
