I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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