Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
