i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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