I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
