When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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