My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
