My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
