JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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