Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
