I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
