I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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