i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
