Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
