R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
