Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
