3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
