I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
