I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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